Clergy Spouse Confessions

One of the things that can sometimes be most difficult for me about being a clergy spouse is being around all of our priest friends in one gathered space. Not for a party or social occasion (in fact I love that), but for a holy event - for church celebrations. No, it's not their matching dog collared ensembles or inherent love of port wine. It's much harder to explain than that.

We spent the morning at the deacons' ordinations, and I had a blast. It was holy and lovely to spend time celebrating the ordinands and visiting with friends. We enjoyed a beautiful reception and then went on to a party with great friends. It was a truly great day.

And then we got home and I sunk into such a foul mood that when Chris announced he was going to mow the lawn I screeched, "Oh no you aren't! I am." Because there was no way I was going to let the opportunity to slosh around in the mucky yard pushing a heavy piece of machinery while only its loud buzzing filled my brain pass me by. I needed that blissful alone time to think. And growl. And feel annoyed. Luckily, the Psalmist shows us that this can be prayer too.

So what is it that's so hard about having so many clergy friends?
They are just so darn sure of their role in the Church. They know their place in life and they live it.

And it leaves me asking, "But what about me?"

The clergy have a place and they know what it is. They may have run to it with open arms crying "Here am I Lord! Send me!" They may have hidden or begged off or pleaded "please send someone else." But they know what it is. They get up in the morning and put on those dog collars and head out the door. They felt what they refer to as "the call" and they answered it. Meanwhile the rest of us slug around through life wondering where our places are and how we fit into the life of the Church.

Or maybe not. Maybe you know your place. 

Personally, I have some ideas about my place in the Church. Unfortunately, my first choice is an unpaid position and thus not one I will seek to fill. I've already committed to raising two children, and I intend on sending them to college without huge debts accrued. Thus, I will eventually have to find an income once kiddos are in school. In the meantime I'll guess I'll just have to keep floundering and wondering and crying out "where do I fit in?!"

Don't get me wrong: surrounded by our clergy family friends is truly one of my favorite places to be in the entire world. In many ways, they are my people. Clergy family to clergy family: they "get" us. But man, it can sometimes be rough to be seeking one's own place in the Church and surrounded by people so sure of their own.

Luckily, there is always prayer.
And long grass and a muddy lawn and a big loud heavy lawn mower to push around.