We'll Drink a Cup of Kindness Yet

Tonight as I lie on the couch in my pajamas watching Twilight Zone episodes until my 9 pm bedtime, I shall lift a glass of sparkling lemonade and drink a cup of kindness yet to auld lang syne. 2013: a year during which I am pretty sure I threw up more days than not.

And this time next year I shall lie on the couch in my pajamas watching Twilight Zone episodes until my 9 pm bedtime, and I will lift a glass of scotch and drink a cup of kindness yet to auld lang syne. 2014: a year that shines with the glimmering hope of less vomit.

W.O.W. Advent Edition

Carolena's Guidelines for a Happy Holy Advent:

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Frosty the Snowman is a very good choice when choosing something to sing. The words go a little something like this "Frosty snowman... holly jolly... coal... buttons eyes." Sing along to every christmas song you hear. Request "I want hippo" often and once it's playing be sure to dance and sing along, "Eye! I want tinkie toys! Hippo!" If a song happens to come along and you find that you dont know the words just make up your own. As long as you've got the right tune you can always sing "Santa Claus is coming soooon. Santa is going to bring presents to Carolenaaaaa."

Point out the abominable snowman every time you see him. Appropriate responses include, but are not limited to: (1) yell, "bumble!" while pointing and cheering (2) yell, "bumble!" while raising your arms above your head and roaring at him in imitation (3) yell, "bumble!" and then wrap your arms around your body as though you're cold, stick out your lower lip, and say with a glint in your eye, "I scared!"

If you are lucky enough to attend a church Christmas party ignore everyone in the room over 4 ft tall. Ignore everything there is to eat (including the desserts) in favor of eating only that fabulous delicacy, macaroni and cheese. Spend the majority of your time dancing and chasing your friends.

You may or may not be aware of a man people call "Santa," but he's kind of a big deal. Every time you wake up from a nap or nighttime grin at your parents and remind them that "Santa is coming. He going to bring presents for Lena." Rumor has it that Santa is at the snake mall (aka Katy Mills - the Rainforest Cafe has a big snake outside). Tell everyone you see, "Santa at snake mall" just to ensure they don't miss out. 

If you are lucky enough to have a nativity that you are allowed to play with then spend time with it each day. Hot topics for the holy family to discuss include phrases such as: "dinner's ready!" "where's my crib?" and "no boys! no!" (the last one to be used when scolding those pesky magi).

Finally, when it comes to asking Jolly Old St. Nick for a gift, dream big. What would you like for him to bring? Elmo. A toy Elmo? No, Elmo. An Elmo video? No. Elmo. Kevin Clash? NOOOO... ELMO!

Touche

I've become convinced that our baby has some sort of weapon that it's using to zap all of my energy, make me feel queasy, make me incredibly tired, and start each of my days lightheaded. It also uses said weapon to give me heartburn and insomnia... and did I mention that it makes me tired? I believe this weapon is called a placenta. Touche Mother Nature. Touche.

Surprise!

It wasn't surprising this morning when I dropped a jar of salsa on the floor in Koger.
     It was surprising when the cashier responded with a relieved, "Oh thank God. I thought your water had broken." I wasn't under the impression that would sound like a glass jar smashing to the ground... but then again, what do I know?

It wasn't surprising when Chris left the other night to bring back a "surprise for his girls" (pizza).
     It was surprising when he walked out the front door, turned right back around to grab his keys, and upon entering the door saw Carolena jump out in front of him yelling, "surprise!"

It wasn't surprising when Chris opened our pantry and asked, "Geeze, how many jars of pickles does one family need?"
     It was surprising to find out there are jars of pickles in this house that I haven't consumed yet.

It wasn't surprising when I opened my blog to find it's been about a month since my last post. I mean, really, I've been falling asleep at 8 pm every night.
     It was surprising to start a new post today after I announced I would spend the entire day studying for the teaching I'm doing this Saturday.
     Oh, who am I kidding, that isn't surprising at all. Now, what else can I go do to procrastinate? Besides cleaning of course.

Clergy Spouse Confessions: Social Norms

I forget that people view us differently. We, the clergy family, can really get put into a weird social box. Oftentimes I want to remind people (and do), "uhh... we're Episcopalian..."

Yes, we drink. In fact, sometimes we drink a lot. I would bet money (yes, bet money) that at a priest friend's wedding last year the clergy couples consumed more alcohol than his old frat brothers (I accidentally typed "fat brothers" at first - Freudian slip?). I'm not bragging or complaining here. Just stating the facts. Jesus drank. We drink. Jesus was in fact frequently accused of being a "drunk" sooo... yeah...

Yes, we can be fun. We recently attended an event that had an oh-so-popular-right-now photo booth. Evidently people were thrilled and surprised that Chris and I got in it. Really? Well newsflash people: we also dance! Not well mind you, but we dance nonetheless. And, just to clarify, I don't mean dancing with long ribbons to church music.

Yes, we cuss. In my house - not excessively, but really, a good cuss word goes a long way when used at just the right moment. Sometimes I may or may not cuss during my girls' bible study at church... or when teaching Sunday school... it happens. Or should I say sh*t happens? 

Yes, we talk about things other than church. Okay, so our families might not believe that one, and sometimes I find it hard to believe as well. However, we have other interests beyond the walls of our church. What are they you ask? Hmm... well... I'll uhh... let's see... there's um... and the... I'll get back to you on that.

Now excuse me while I go look up the words to my favorite Thanksgiving hymn to hang on the hymn board in our kitchen. If only I were joking...

Clergy Spouse Confessions: The Wedding Date

As a clergy spouse there are inevitably occasions that just seem inherently awkward. For instance: going to a wedding when the only person you know (aka your date) is the priest.

I can't imagine how shy clergy spouses cope.

Cons of going to a wedding as the priest's date:

1. You have to arrive incredibly early. This means it will be family of the bride & groom, wedding attendants, people working at the wedding (including your date), and... well... you. Awkward old you. You'll get to stand around wondering if it would be rude to pull out a book and read while everyone else is hustling and bustling.
2. When it comes time to finally find a seat for the ceremony you'll have to face that inevitable question from an usher, "bride's side or groom's?" Uhhh... well... ahem... what are their names again? I recommend sitting near the back on the bride's side of the aisle. I used to think I should sit on the groom's side because it usually includes less people and I figured my presence would add another body, but then I realized it's easier to blend in on the bride's side. One bonus of sitting by yourself at a wedding: people will assume you've saved the seat next to you for your date and give you a little extra room - a definite perk when sitting in those narrow white wedding chairs.
3. You'll have to wait around while the wedding party takes pictures. If you're lucky they'll quickly get the ones with the priest out of the way and you'll be able to head up to the reception.

Pros of going to a wedding as the priest's date:

1. Your date will be one of the best dressed. No, really, I'm serious. Your date will look classic in clericals and a suit and you won't have to worry about him looking like some yahoo wearing an out of season jacket or clearance rack tie. "Does this black shirt go with my white collar?" Yep. It does.
2. No one will talk to you during the ceremony. As aforementioned, no one is going to sit next to you at the ceremony which means you won't hear any running commentary about dresses, flowers, color choices, or even the best looking groomsman for that matter. You can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the wedding.
3. You won't know anyone at the reception. This might at first seem like a downside, but it is in fact, a fabulous item on the pro list. Knowing only the priest at the reception means very little small talk because once the bride, groom, and their parents chat with the priest that's about it. Everyone else will look past the clergy couple for a more fun looking duo. Little do they know. If only they suspected that the other two things I find fantastic about knowing only my date at a wedding reception are "beer that flows like wine" (Dumb & Dumber anyone?) and tons of anonymous white-girl-on-the-dance-floor dance moves... oooohhhhh yeahhhhh*

* oooohhhhh yeahhhhh... Chris recently pointed out to me that I might want to stop quoting the Kool Aid Man since our two year old has now picked it up. Hmph. I told him I'll just start quoting the Slim Jim guy instead.

I Listen to the Wind to the Wind of My Soul

Life in the Burbs

When we lived in Austin things were different, but now...

if rarely shaving my legs, recycling, driving a Prius, cloth diapering my kid(s), breast feeding until my baby is a year old, baking my own bread, and sending my toddler to school with veggies and hummus in her lunch box makes me a hippie mom... then right on man, right on.

Kelly, oh greatest maker of Pearland homemade granola, remember this?

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom
By Carolena

Once you have mastered the sentence, "I'm a big girl" use it as often as necessary. Don't want to sleep in a crib anymore? "I'm a big girl!" Sick of sitting in a booster and want to sit at the kitchen table without it? "I'm a big girl!"

Refer to Taco Bell as "Taco Bite" and McDonald's as "Donald Duck."

Take time to color every single day. Mix it up from coloring book to writing tablet or crayon to markers, but regardless of your medium of choice be sure to do some creative art work each and every day.

As soon as you open your eyes in the morning get out of bed. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to your parents' bedroom and loudly announce with a smile, "I'm awake!"

Twistin' the Night Away

Wedding Etiquette 101
By Carolena

So you got invited to a wedding? Well, here are some tips for making the most of the nuptial celebration:

First, wear something fabulous. Knee socks, dress shoes, and a smocked dress go a long way in cuteness factor. There will be a lot of older people at the wedding and they'll be interested in talking to you so go for a look that's classic.

Second, be on your best behavior. Sit quietly in your church pew. Stand on the kneeler when you need to see the front of the church. Wait patiently in line for your turn to recieve the Eucharist. Wow everyone with your good church behavior.

Next comes the reception... aka "the church party" and this is when things get really good. As soon as you enter the room head straight for the cake. Stare at it longingly and talk about how it looks like a "yummy happy" cake. Check out all of the tables and any interesting decorations in the room. Perhaps offer to play the piano. Your mom will probably decline this offer but it's always nice to check just in case. Go back and smile at the cake.

Sit at a table with grown ups and engage in interesting conversation. Tell them that you are a "big girl" and "sleep in big girl bed." Make sure everyone knows you realllllly like those dinner mints on the table. Once your mom hands you a plate of dinner (bbq), take a big bite of coleslaw.

On second thought, don't eat the coleslaw! Spit it out! Spit it out!

Once the coleslaw is spit out onto the floor where it belongs, carefully select a purple onion from your mother's plate and eat that instead. Whew, much better.

After eating some more dinner go check out that wedding cake again.

Then, it's time to dance. Why isn't anyone on the dance floor?? Take charge of that party foul and get out there and boogie.

Just for good measure cruise by that cake once more.

Eventually the grownups will take turns talking. When the noise dies down it's your big moment. Lift your glass of lemonade and yell, "cheers!" as loudly and clearly as you possibly can.

Then, head back to the dance floor. Why isn't anyone else dancing yet?

Finally! The cake is cut! Convince one of the gentlemen to carry you over to the cake table and select a piece with a lot of icing. Then, carefully carry it back to mommy and enjoy every ounce of icing you can find. No need to eat any actual cake... just the icing will suffice.

Finally, head back to the dance floor and recommence operation Dance the Night Away.

Follow these tips and you'll be sure to leave any wedding as the star. Bride? What bride?

Apples Don't Fall Far

Earlier this week Carolena yelled, "no!" at her crib and then was very adamant that she wanted to sleep on her "nap mat" (a.k.a. pile of blankets on the floor - her school nap mat stays in the car). She spent the next few naps and nights curled up on the floor right next to her crib.

A few times this week I asked her if she wanted to sleep in her crib. "No mama" was the repeated response.

* She's on a "mama" kick right now. Roo calls Kanga "mama" and thus, Carolena feels the need to do the same.

Today Carolena looked at me, said "all done crib," and then helped move all of her clothes and stuffed animals into her "big girl room." Luckily, Chris and I have had her twin bed set up in there for months.

After her bath this evening she brushed her teeth and we read Cat in the Hat in her twin bed. I sang a few songs and then left the room. She's currently sound asleep in her new room. No crying. No fussing. Carolena just decided on what she wanted to do and did it.

Yep, she's a Svendsen all right.

Oooo, I Love You Like a Pig Loves Corn!

Sometimes I get irritated, saddened, what-have-you, over the loss of so many of our regional differences in America. My parents refer to this phenomenon using the phrase "Every Town USA" pointing to the fact that you can drive into nearly any city or town in the US and it will have basically all of the same things. Who needs Mom and Pop when you can have Target or Chilis or ughhh... Bucees?

And then...

And then I remember that the staples in our household are salsa, tortillas, red beans, and white rice. I remember that I make a pot of homemade spicy Cajun red beans and rice about once every two weeks. I remember that my homemade enchiladas have been years in the making and that where I come from enchiladas are always served with refried beans. Not black beans. Not pinto beans. Refried beans. Period. I remember that when I serve chili I also serve white rice. I remember that breakfast tacos are a perfect start to any day. I remember that there is nothing in this world that can top a good bowl of my dad's homemade steaming hot spicy gumbo. I remember that my mother once had a cooking intervention with me that included the phrase, "not everything needs to taste like Tex-Joy" (little did she know anything that doesn't taste like Tex-Joy needs to taste like Tony Chachere's). I remember that the loneliest place in Louisiana is Bayou Self. And, as that old Cajun in My Pocket gadget so elequently put it, "you gotta suck da head on dem der crawfish."

I grew up "Texas with a Little Something Extra" and evidently it stuck with me. That's why our children will grow up with a little bit of Texas, a little bit of Norge, a dash of Cajun spice, and a mother who sometimes squeals "Ooo! I love you like a pig loves corn!"

Just Like My Love Everlasting

Growing up I spent nearly as much time doing arts and crafts at our kitchen table as I did eating at it.

For approximately fifteen years our family heirloom dining room table had written across it in Sharpie, "cracks me up" from a brochure and t-shirt I made about the Liberty Bell in the third grade.

I would sit and sort through buttons while my mother would sew, and later I would work on my own (somewhat pitifully constructed) sewing projects.

Every time we went to Craft Etc. I asked to get a new cross stitch kit. My parents reaped the benefit of a quiet project for me to work on while my grandparents carefully hung my masterpieces on their walls after receiving them for Christmas.

I learned to sew on a button pretty much as soon as I was old enough to thread a needle.

When I was in college my grandfather saw me sewing a button and after saying, "what the hell are you doing it that way for?" (classic Ed the Red), he taught me to sew a button as he'd learned in the navy. I bet the button I sewed on that pair of capri pants will still be on them at the end of time.

I learned that it is impossible to hot glue something without burning your fingers before I learned long division.

I remember evenings with my mother sitting at the dining room table working on art for a local store's newspaper ads while I stood in awe of the magic of her using tracing paper to combine all of the best of her drawings.

My grandfather had an entire room of his house completely turned into an art studio. And by "art studio" I mean room that an artist sees as an art studio and everyone without a creative eye sees as a hell hole of paint, brushes, half finished paintings, and piles and piles of binder clips. Well, perhaps it was both.

Yep, I guess you could say creativity is in those Svendsen genes.

Yesterday Carolena sat at our kitchen table and colored for a while and then spent nearly an hour sorting through my button jar while I worked on an embroidery project. And the beat goes on...

Hey There, Hi There, Ho There!

I find it beyond bizarre that children's Halloween costumes in any given store in Texas are made of fleece (or other warm fuzzy fabrics), long sleeved, and typically hooded. Does it not seem beneficial to Wal-Mart, Target, Babies R Us, etc. to cater clothing to climates? I simply cannot get my mind around it. What parent in their right mind is going to send their child out Trick Or Treating wearing what is basically a snowsuit in Texas?

Getting Carolena some school clothes back in August put me in the same dilemma... what Texan wears anything long sleeved before December?!

That was Dilemma Numero Uno.

Dilemma Numero Dos: Carolena has two days to wear her Halloween costume. She is going to wear it for a friend's birthday party and then again on Oct. 31st. Why on earth would I spend a million dollars on a snow suit for my child to put on, decide it's too hot, and then promptly take it off? Twice.

So, I started brainstorming. What is something that Carolena would love to wear? What is something that would be comfortable for a two year old to run around in?  What's something that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg?

And after brainstorming and searching through my craft supplies so that I could use things I have on hand I came home from the store and compiled all of this:

 

Then, I turned my $7.45 into this:

 

Carolena and I are both giddy about how her Mouseketeer shirt turned out. She is so excited about it I finally had to hide it away (because, let's face it, it's a white shirt - it will be stained after one wear). The best part about her costume? After Halloween she can still wear it whenever she wants! Oh, and I got to use some of my overflowing creativity for something productive rather than knitting 5,000 hats that no one is buying... but that last part is neither here nor there... and think of those five remaining white t-shirts just crying out for decoration!

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

Spend as much time as possible outside. As soon as you wake up from a nap smile and say to your mother, "outside? deck?" and then proceed to help her get a drink and a popsicle for you to enjoy in the backyard. As evening comes politely ask your parents if they would like to dine outside at the picnic table. Chances are they will say yes.

Sitting on the deck with your mother is a calm time to be relished. Recline comfortably in your chair and draw your mother's attention to the interesting things happening all around you. "Birds! Hear it?" If a school bus drives by exclaim, "b bus!" She'll probably respond with something like, "School bus? I see it!" Why that woman refuses to call them b buses is a mystery. If you find a plant full of caterpillars check on the "patterpillars" every day and offer them small portions of anything you have like ice, lemonade, or a popsicle.

Make friends with other kids no matter where you go.

Refuse to ride in shopping carts. Only babies do that.

Speaking of babies, if your mother opens a big box that she found in the closet labeled "Do Not Open Until Pregnant" you should be there to help her go through it. What fun! Squeal with delight over previously lost (but not forgotten) baby toys like your old whale bathtub, the small animals that used to be wa-was, and a large frog... or is that a turtle? Mommy will keep reminding you that these are items that are for the baby and anything you are playing with belongs to the baby and you are just borrowing it. But hey, do you see any babies around here?! Finders keepers people. Finders. Keepers.

FOUND in Translation

As Carolena's vocabulary grows and grows so does her knack for renaming things in our house, and oftentimes her names for things are much more awesome than the original.


Our older male cat is now referred to as "Baby Mac" while the younger female cat is "Oliff Daddy"

Yogurt is "yog"

Puzzles are "puzz"

Blankie is "whoppie frog"

Excuse me is "scuse" (with just a dash of sass to it)

Anything small is a "baby" and is to be treated as such. Speak to it in a higher pitched voice than you would normally use and perhaps snuggle it up for a little kiss and some rocking. Small farm animals in our house (stuffed animals of course) are known as "baby oink, baby moo, baby quack... and horse." The pumpkins all around as fall decorations are referred to (as are most pumpkins we see around town) as "punkin babies!"

Mommy's Library Daze

Carolena's Tips for Visiting the Library

Wear an outfit that says something. A "Snow MITE!" t-shirt, "Minnie!" dress, or "Yo-Ho!" shirt are always good choices. They tell other kids that you take your fun seriously and intend to have a good time. Insist upon some good accessories to compliment your outfit of choice. A large hat or Mickey Mouse ears go with any apparel and a sparkly purse will really complete your ensemble.

If you are fortunate enough to arrive at the library for Toddler Time (which you almost always are) be sure to get a prime seat. Some kids are naive enough to think the front of the room is the prime seating. While that may be true at school, at Toddler Time the prime seating is in the back. That way if (*ahem*when*ahem*) the librarian drags on too long and you are no longer interested you can slip out the door and head into the library.

While at Toddler Time dance for all of the songs. There is nothing better than break dancing to "Shake Your Sillies Out." Other kids and parents alike will be amazed by your smooth dance moves and incredible talent.

Demand a snack. Always demand a snack.

Once Toddler Time has ended (or not) and you are out free to roam in the library, go straight to the kids' section. There are toys and games and computers. There are movies and books to check out. There are ducks in the pond to watch from the window. You'll need another hour in the library after Toddler Time has ended.

Sometimes the ducks need to be seen up close. Stand next to the emergency exit and scream. Throw yourself on the floor crying and yell, "duck! quack quack!" until your mother gets the picture. Emergency exit schemergency exit.

Pick out some books and movies to bring home. Help your mommy at the check out and be sure to put the stickers carefully on the back of each book. 

Try to be on your best behavior. After all, the library is fabulous and you'll want to go back. And, who knows, maybe if you're really good you and Mommy will go to the McDonald's playplace for lunch!

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

Never call yogurt "yogurt." It is much much cooler to shorten it to just "yog."

If you are lucky enough to have a party at your house be a gracious host. When the first guest arrives run outside cheering and give him a huge hug. Then, admire his new backpack and invite him (and his parents) inside. As guests continue to arrive, run screaming between the front door and your toy bin, greeting guests and bringing choice toys for them to play with. Throughout the course of the evening place nicely with all of your friends. Invite all of them to cram into your small tent. Yell, "outside!" in order to get everyone out into the backyard. And, like any attentive host, spend too much time with your guests to bother with eating much of anything. When the party comes to an end and your guests go home, crash on the couch and say, "night night" immediately after the last person's departure.

Opt for healthy lunch options. If your mother sends a cookie and a carrot/broccoli salad in your lunch, eat the entire salad and leave the cookie. Of course... the ranch dressing really helps...

Try to be just like Mommy. If she has a baby in her belly you should have one in yours. A small Minnie Mouse stuffed animal tucked under your shirt just soooo should do the trick.

Recipe For a Fantastic Day

Ingredients:
1 Carolena in a fabulous mood
1 Mommy in a fabulous mood
1 bout of "cool" weather
1 brand new finally finished deck in the backyard to spend the morning on
1 session of Toddler Time at the library
2 lunches at McDonald's playplace
1 nap for Carolena while Mommy watches HP and crafts
1 Daddy home early from work
1 baby big enough for Daddy to finally feel his or her kicks
2 Chipolte burritos for dinner

Mix all ingredients. Add sunshine and Disney music to taste. Enjoy!

Happiness Is

Happiness is...

     having Moom come over for almost a whole week

     two days a week in the Panda room

     the kid sized shopping cart at Kroger

     the large retro plastic snowman who has recently taken up residence in our garage

     getting to hold the "baby pumpkins" on the way home from the store

     coloring, stickers, glue, and all other tools for arts and crafts

     hop hop hopping to wherever you need to go

     eating cookie dough

     snuggling with Max and Olive


Huh... looks like Mommy and Carolena have very similar happiness lists

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom, By Carolena

Looking for ways to stall when it comes to getting in your car seat? Here are some suggestions:
1. As soon as you get outside casually propose that you "wok" instead of drive.
2. Yell, "hot!" as soon as Mommy or Daddy puts you in the seat. It doesn't matter if your seat actually is too hot or not, it's hot outside so they won't doubt your sincerity. Just for good measure you could say it three times in a row, "hot hot hot" just like the song Mommy sings when putting you in the car.
3. Try to sit in the seat next to your car seat. Mommy will give you some gobble-dee-gook about "the law" but you should sit in the spot of your choice. Go for the backseat or wiggle to try and get into the trunk space.
4. If all else fails, squirm. Claw. Scream. Whatever you do: don't go in without a fight.

On "meet your teacher" day at school you should really make yourself right at home. Grab all of the stuffed animals you can hold and walk around the room finding new locations for them to reside. Watch another kid pull out a box of toys and dump it on the ground and then with an annoyed look on your face bend down singing your clean up song and put them all back where they belong. Don't drop your stuffed animals while doing so. When the teacher announces is "circle time" go and sit down as close to her as humanly possible. When she asks, "does anyone know what's in my circle bag?" yell, "circle!" Participate joyfully in all of the songs and games. When it's time to leave (which will come far too soon) cry and try to get back to the classroom as your parents carry you back to the car. You won't really know why your mom keeps calling you "Hermione" but that "school" place was awesome. You'll want to go back again soon.

So This is Love... mmm mmm...

Last night I said to Chris, "awww... this is just like our first date."

The context in which I said this was:
A) Chris cooked a special dinner and we watched a movie.
B) We went out for Mexican food and a mariachi band serenaded us.
C) Chris drove my car home while I threw up all over my own feet and then said every once in a while, "pulloverpulloverpullover" to puke on the side of the road.

Unfortunately for Chris the answer is of course C.

Fortunately for Chris he married me and gets to relive that romantic occasion time and time again. Sometimes I like to remind him that "plenty of men would kill for the privilege of being married to me." I assume that he thinks I'm referring to a plethora of broken hearted boys I left behind from high school and college (ha! what does he know?!), but I always neglect to mention that those unknown/made up men are most likely murderers on death row who actually would... but that's really neither here nor there.

First date: Casey + migraine
Last night: Casey + pregnancy + someone in front of us hit a skunk and the concentrated smell started coming out of our air conditioner

I realize that the skunk got the very worst end of the deal in this particular scenario but holy mackerel... that was something. Although, Chris (who is outside cleaning my car again right now) might in fact argue that he got the worst end.

The evening ended as Chris pulled into our neighborhood kindly promising he would deal with cleaning out my car while I sat in the backseat singing Cinderella's love song, "so this is love... mm mmm. So this is what makes like divine!"

ANTM

"Take Picture Lena" she said to me... and then...

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

If you get hurt, go tell Mommy. Be sure to maximize the sympathy you'll receive by telling her about what you hurt. Say "mouff!" in a pitiful voice if you bumped your teeth on the counter. Say "eye" if you happened to poke yourself in the eye. Then, just for good measure, tell Mommy you hurt each of your knees as well. "Mouff" means she'll look in your mouth and give you a sympathetic look and a kiss. The same goes for eyes, but then if you say, "knee" she'll check out your knee as well. After she checks and kisses the first, point to your other knee once again saying, "knee" so that she'll have to check that one too. Milk it for all you can because if you're not actually hurt enough to be crying, she's going to tell you to "walk it off." But, really, you're tough, so you can in fact, "walk it off."

Ask your mom if you can go to the beach... daily. Use her conversational openings to your beachy advantage. For instance, if you're at Home Depot and your mother asks, "ready to go home?" yell, "No! Go beach!" If she asks what you would like to do that day respond with a hearty, "Beach! Moom, Jimmers." When you wake up in the morning or after your nap politely request to spend some time at the beach. While playing gather together your set of keys and your favorite stuffed animals and spend time working on unlocking the front door. If your mom asks where you're headed, announce loudly, "beach!" If Mommy isn't budging call Moom and ask her.

When getting your diaper changed (what a hastle! geeze!) ask your mom or dad to read what they refer to as your "baptism banner from Grandma" over and over, "Carolena Michele, Christ's Own Forever." Then, smiling, request "Lena Shell, beach, again? Again? My shell?" You are so lucky to be named "Carolena My Shell." A perfect name for a beachy girl.

The Man From the Moon

Now that E.T. has fully acclimated to your home you will have realized by now that he is a perfect best friend.

There are tons of activities that E.T. enjoys so it is really best to always keep him by your side. E.T. will need to be clothed and diapered at all times. He sees the wisdom in your style choices and your clothes are conveniently just his size so be sure to outfit him in dresses, hats, and stylish t-shirts. Every once in a while you should take off all of his clothing and yell, "body!" or "belly!" or "hiney!" as the mood strikes you.

E.T. is always up for a stroll in your baby doll stroller or for a quick cruise in your shopping cart. He loves when Mommy makes cookies and likes to help taste the chocolate chips and drink milk. If you get in the laundry basket, bring E.T. It's a cozy cuddling spot.

E.T. will need to sleep in your bed so that you can stay up late whispering and giggling, and that way you can chat as soon as you wake up in the morning. He'll want to lie on your diaper changing table with you and come along with you to breakfast. Be sure he gets to sit in his favorite chair.

If you ever accidentally hurt E.T. be sure to tell him, "I sowwy" and comfort him by rocking him and saying, "shhhh." If that fails to do the trick take him to Mommy for a kiss.

Yep, that E.T. is one great friend.

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

If you're in your crib it means Mommy won. Presumably you did everything you could to stall the inevitable: you took your time getting to your room, you resisted a diaper change, you requested more books, you asked her to "wok" and sing to you in the rocking chair. Yet, nonetheless, here you are in your crib. Spend some time playing with toys and then call out for Mommy. If Mommy doesn't come to get you, call out for Daddy. If Daddy doesn't poke his head into the room, fall back on some others: call Moom, call Jimmers, call Uncle Hunter, and by all means, call She-Ra - surely one of them will come to your rescue and save you from the clutches of Hordak and the Evil Hoard nap time.

Show off your new Minnie Mouse shirt as much as possible. If Moom is holding your new shirt and you hear a terrifying monster scream behind her (aka the dryer buzzer going off), grab your t-shirt from her hands and run! Moom can fend for herself. Save your sparkly Minnie shirt.

When you hear music you should start dancing.

When you hear music that is awesome you should start break dancing. Dance so hard that you accidentally turn your first somersault.

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

If your mother insists you wear shorts to the Y, but you think you look fabulous in just your Elmo shirt and diaper, stand up for fashion. If she goes so far as to try and physically force shorts onto your body, fight. Kick, scream, claw. Do what you have to do to get away pantless. If your mother tells you to go to Time Out and only come out when you are ready to wear shorts, sit in Time Out. Sit there for a long time. When Mommy comes periodically to ask you if you are ready for shorts, scream. Throw the shorts back in her face. After about 20 minutes Mommy will probably relax on the couch with chips, a drink, and a Sodoku book. Hmph. Stupid chips. Hmmm... chips. Chips? Politely ask if you may have some chips. Think about it a while and decide that chips are worth it... put on the shorts.

If you are lucky enough to receive a lime green t-shirt featuring a pirate meerkat with a mom tattoo, wear it everyday. Pirate meerkats are the height of fashion this season. Refer to your pirate shirt as "my yo-ho" until eventually you'll realize that takes to long to say, at which point you can just shorten it to "my ho." In fact, while your at it just refer to anything piratey as "ho." If you are in a store and see a Jolly Roger or something with a skull on it, yell out, "Mommy! See! Ho!!" as loudly as possible. Pirates are awesome. She won't want to miss seeing it.

Take a few bites of your dinner to humor your parents. Say, "yumm" and smile. Then, casually push the bowl to the middle of the table, shoot your mother your most adorable smile and ask, "happy?" ("happy" means cupcake). Mommy will probably say no and meanwhile Daddy will get up to cut some grapes for you. While Daddy is at the sink lean over conspiratorially to Mommy and whisper, "cookie cookie?"

Viking Women Were Independent

One of Carolena's books is an Eyewitness Book whose subject matter is the Vikings. Honestly, it's fascinating and I can spend amazing amounts of time pouring over its pages. Last night I pulled it out and read this portion out loud to Chris:

The page title is Women and Children and the first sentence reads, "Viking women were independent." The book goes on to say, "women had a considerable amount of power and status. When their husbands were away on raids or explorations, they were left to run the farms, so they were capable and strong-willed..."

Indpendent. Capable. Strong-willed. Yep, that about sums it up. My female Viking ancestors must have had dominant genes, although, that's really no surprise all things considered.

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom by Carolena

Some kids sit quietly in the pool while their mothers relax nearby. Those families are boring. You and your mom prefer adventures. You and Mommy like to explore every aspect of the pool. The two of you like to get in and out and go all around. The pool is a fantastic place for expending energy and wearing out your mom.

Never go into your car seat without a fight.

There is a song for everything. Even if you've never actually heard your mom sing a song about snakes, or fish, or your glowworm "Howie," or {fill in the blank with anything}, that doesn't mean the song doesn't exist. Request songs about your favorite things - your mom can always come up with something.

Peeling bananas is always more fun than eating them.

Hunger is the Best Pickle

When I was pregnant with Carolena I didn't have many pregnancy cravings per se. I had a heck of a lot of aversions to different foods (namely anything green) and certainly ate more than my fair share of queso (one day I realized I'd had queso seven times in five days... those were five fantastic days) but didn't experience any stereotypical pregnant woman moments when it came to food.

Last week I ate an entire jar of dill pickles.
In one sitting.
And drank the juice.

I regretted it for about 24 hours afterward and put out a household decree that no one ever mention pickles again in my presence.

Last night Chris kindly reminded me of this when I opened a new jar. Realizing the wisdom behind his words and recalling how miserable the entire jar episode had made me feel, I reluctantly relinquished the jar. I then sat on the couch and spent about thirty minutes or so debating the merits of a cream cheese and pickle sandwich.

I wonder how pickles might taste with queso...

W.O.W

Words of Wisdom from Carolena

Cheese is food from heaven. Eat it as often as Mommy will let you. Stand by the fridge and politely say, "cheese?" If Mommy declines, voice your disapproval and cling to the fridge like it's a life-raft. If you see a bowl of cheese on the table sneak over and use the serving spoon to take a big bite. Who cares that it's Parmesan! Take another bite! Cheese, glorious cheese!

If you wake up from your nap and find that you have pooped, don't call out for Mommy. Hang out in your crib for a while. Take off your diaper to make yourself more comfortable. Don't play with or touch the poop in the diaper. That would be undignified. Rather, simply enjoy the freedom of your newly undiapered bottom. Read some books. Practice some of the new words you've learned lately. Perhaps sing a song. After a while call Mommy. When she comes to the door, nonchalantly lean over the side of your crib and offer her your soiled diaper with a casual, "Hi Mommy. Poop."

The vacuum is not to be trusted. Do not show it fear. If it dares show its loud ugly face scream at it. Run, yell, show it who's boss. The vacuum is an elusive beast who rarely ventures out of the cave in which it lives. Take heart: the good news is if the vacuum is out then company is surely close at hand.

TWO!

TWO! Our little Carolena is two! 

I remember getting to know Carolena in those first few days and knowing even then she would turn out to be the independent vivacious girl she is today. When she was born the doctor held her up and her little face was just priceless. Had there been a thought bubble above her head it would have said, "What the heck? Who are all of you people? What just happened?" She was bright eyed and alert from the get-go. While still in the hospital she kept trying to push against me to look around. I said to her once, "You really could just lie down... you're a day old and you don't even have neck control yet."

Carolena. A smart confident independent vivacious girl. The life of the party. She lights up any room. She cracks us up and fills our hearts with love. Thank God for Carolena. What a blessing she is in this world!

Happy birthday to my babe.

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom
By Carolena


Cats prefer to be called "mees." No matter how many times your mother or father calls a cat "cat" or says "meow," continue to refer to them exclusively as "mees." It's just an abbreviation of the word "meow" really. When talking to or about something as exciting as a mee who has time for extra syllables?

If you happen to see something with a pirate, a jolly roger, or a skull on it, yell "yo-ho!" and point it out for everyone to enjoy.

Play with your "Snow Mite" doll as much as possible. Ask to watch her movie everyday (most days Mommy will say no tv, but hey, it's always worth asking). When your parents sing your bedtime prayer each night scream "No! Heigh Ho!" over and over until they get the idea and sing the right song. Let's face it... "Snow Mite" is amazing.

All desserts, especially cupcakes, are to be referred to exclusively as "happies."

If you see someone with his/her eyes closed you should be sure that everyone around is aware that Mommy, Daddy, or one of your cats is sleeping. Press your finger to your lips and say, "shhhh" to anyone else in the room. Then, as loudly as possible, yell the sleeping person's name so that there isn't any confusion as to why everyone needs to be quiet. It's just common courtesy really.

catnapping

It's nap time. All I want to do is lie in my bed, eat a little lunch, maybe read or watch tv, certainly try to take a catnap...

Catnap.

Something about my being pregnant makes our cats obsessed with me. I cannot over emphasize how needy they become. They want to sit with me, by me, and mostly ON me at all times. They won't take no for an answer. They sleep on my side of the bed. They're always there... watching... waiting... trying to force me to snuggle.

It's too much. I wish they would learn to play hard to get.

Sheesh... get off me cat!

This happened last time I was pregnant too. Max is the worst. When I was pregnant with Carolena I was still working and so I would arrive home each day to see him slink around the corner. If he'd been able to speak he would have said in a silky voice, "I've been waiting for you alllll day!"

Now I'm a stay home mom. There is no respite from the cats.

As I type this Olive is lying along my side and Max is trying (successfully) to lie in my arms like a baby. These are strange times indeed.

Can't a mom just have one second to herself around here?

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom
By Carolena

Anything can be a horse. Use what you have available to show off your adventurous spirit. A broom? A large watermelon? A stuffed animal sheep? Yes, all of these things when sat upon can be a horse! Simply sit on the desired object and say with a smile, "it's a horse!" The equestrian world will appreciate your fresh new outlook.

Sometimes it is necessary to lie. For instance, if your mother asks if you pooped or need a clean diaper, just say "no" no matter what the case may be. Getting your diaper changed takes time out of your busy schedule. Just lie so that you can move on with your life.

Car rides can be long and boring. Entertain yourself (and your parents) by pointing out every flag you see along the way.

If you are lucky enough to find a locust shell on your front doorstep leave it there to check out every time you walk in or out. Refer to it as "my shell" so that it is clear to everyone who the shell now belongs to. That locust may have not realized its inherent value and thus left it behind, but you are smarter than a locust.

Always dress for success.