There are a million books out there on potty training. I'm sure they are all full of useful information like reminding parents about patience and rewarding good behavior and blah blah blah. Here is what the books will fail to tell you:
Potty training is a nightmare. A big poopy urine smelling nightmare.
Your child will relieve herself where ever she damn well pleases and then may or may not tell you where it was that she peed. You will only later discover these spots around the house when you do things like innocently lie down on the carpet in order to watch some tv. You'll tuck in the kiddos, grab a snack, and settle down for Shark Tank, when *WHAM!* just like that you're breathing in the sickly smell of someone else's day old urine soaked into the carpet.
Your child will lie.
They will lie all of the time.
"Why are your pants wet?" you'll ask. To which she'll reply, "I don't know."
"Did you teetee in them?" you'll prompt. "No" she'll insist.
She will then throw a huge screaming in your face trying to rip your eyes out of their sockets type tantrum insisting that her pants are just wet for no reason.
Your kid will poop in her pants on purpose.
Is it because she likes to? Is it because she knows it annoys you? Is it one small step in her giant harebrained scheme to slowly drive you insane?
Your kid will poop in her pants on purpose and then laugh about it. She'll tell you, "I think it's funny."
It is decidedly not funny.
The books won't tell you that your bathroom will start to resemble a men's convenience store restroom. No matter how many Clorox wipes you buy, you will feel like Britney Spears that time she walked barefoot into the gas station bathroom each and every time you go into yours.
So, there you have it. Happy toilet training! From our house to yours: good luck suckers!
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