Deeper Waters

And now for something completely different.

I'm treading into deeper waters. I pray that as I enter into the deep the Holy Spirit will give me the stamina to keep treading, the wisdom to remember to float when I'm exhausted, and the grace to toss me a lifejacket when I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been grappling with the question of why. Why? It might be due to the fact that I'm asked that question fifty thousand times a day, but the last weeks I've been continually returning to why. Why?

I'm not even exactly sure what it is that I've been questioning. Something about life. About faith. About why. I'm not sure exactly what the question(s) is to which I've been seeking an answer, but there it's been. Always in the back of my brain, lingering, unresting, asking... why?

So, without certainty as to what the question even is, I have been seeking answers. It's difficult to get answers to questions that I can't articulate. And yet, with prayer, here are some "answers" that I'm pondering lately:

It all started with worship. Worship. Why? I go to church every Sunday. I pray in my daily life. I strive to make my life an act of worship. Why? All of my first answers to the question were unsatisfactory. They all seemed to point toward me. My first inclinations as to why I worship were things that benefit me, but the focus of worship is decidedly not me. Which got me thinking about how God doesn't need me to worship him. I need to worship God. People worship. We were made as creatures who worship. Everyone serves something. I serve the Living Lord. Everyone worships something whether it be money or fame or power or themselves. We worship. I choose to worship God. Worship.

Worship led me to think about humility. Perhaps I ask why because I seek to know my place in the order of things. Maybe this question of why is about humbleness. I look around and know that I am decidedly not God. I worship because it is part of who I am. Who we all are. I worship God because I am not God and God is God. I ask why and I find humility. Humility.

Humility led me to think about grace. It is only by the grace of God that I am free to worship. It is through his infinite grace and forgiveness that I am able to come before him and serve him and bring honor to his name. It is only by the grace of God that I am. Period. Boundless limitless grace.

Grace led me to think about that heavenly banquet. That banquet to which Jesus assures us we are all invited. That banquet to which all are invited and we only need enter. That raging party which has been and is and will continue. Toss me some high heels and a gift for the host. I choose to attend. Heaven.

Heaven brought me to hope. Hope in the resurrection of all things. I have hope in the life to come. I have hope in the days that are to come. I have hope in the Resurrection. I have hope in the truth that things which are being cast down are being raised up. Things that have grown old are being made new. I have hope.

Hope led me to joy. I seek to live in joy. I seek to stand at the foot of the cross and in the light of the Resurrected Christ and live in joy. I have joy in my innermost being. Sure, I have bad moods and bad days (and even crying tantrums if I'm honest). But always I have joy. Deep unshakeable firm foundation joy. Joy.

Joy led me to thankfulness. Thankfulness led me back to humility and worship and heaven and joy and hope... it all leads me to the search for depth. Thankfulness.

Depth. I seek always to have depth. I serve a God who is both deep and wide. I seek depth of faith, of hope, of joy, of love, of life. Depth.

I hunger and thirst for living waters and so I go deeper. I kick my legs and control my breathing and just try to tread into the deep. And I wonder, why?

This morning as I stood and sat and knelt before God all of these things were bubbling within my soul. And I thought of my place in the world and attempted to place my humbleness before God. I am not God. God is God. I thought of his invitation to me to come, to join the party. And accepting the invitation I stood before his altar and received the gifts of bread and wine, a foretaste of that heavenly banquet. I was surrounded by my sisters and brothers and I felt joy. Deep unshakeable joy. And peace. And hope. And I realized that the Holy Spirit doesn't just toss out a buoy. He shows up with a party cruise and champagne. All I need to do is get on the boat.