By Carolena
There will come a time when you parents will start talking about "swim lessons" or "swim school." School? That sounds fun! But... don't be fooled... swim lessons are evil.
The first day will seem exciting. Put on your swimsuit and sunscreen and head out the door! Woo! Drive to the Y and lead the way out to the pool. Oh what fun this will be! Meet your teacher and join the kids. Swim lessons! Hooray!
Get in the water.
Swim lessons?
Put your face in the water.
Swimmm lesssonsss?
Lie on your back in the water.
Swim lessons! Noooooo!!!!
Beginning on the second day you should fight tooth and nail against swim school. ("School" hmph. School is fun. This is not.) Each morning give your mother a reason that you should stay home. Don't actually ask to stay home. Instead, casually throw the reasons into your morning conversation. "I'm really tired" and "my foot hurts" are two great examples.
When your mother insists that you go to the pool, go along with it. For now. Put on your suit and politely ask that sunscreen be applied once you get there. Remind her that you'll want a snack after the lesson. Get in the car. Go through all of the motions... until it's time to get in the pool. Then, pull out the big guns. Scream, cry, fight! Kick at your teacher! Scratch at your teacher! Persevere!
At the end of each lesson, return to your mother with a smile on your face and boast to her about your accomplishments. She will shower you with love and attention and compliments. Bask in your glory as an Olympian.
Later in the afternoon get in the backyard kid pool and show your mother some of your new moves. Teach her how to swim. Back inside, gather stuffed animals and pretend that you are the lifeguard and you are teaching them to swim. Perhaps your mother will be amazed by your swimming abilities and not send you back. Although, that swim teacher is pretty great. Casually mention to your mother that you might like to call him sometime. She'll probably reply that we don't call older boys... and that we're the kind of girls that get calls from boys, we don't call them... hmm. So, if you can't call Mr. Brandon, perhaps going to swim lessons the next morning is a good idea after all.
Nope. It's not.
Continue to fight swim lessons until the last day. On the last day, smile, go to your class willingly, be kind to your teacher, enjoy the water, and give your mother a taste of what might have been.
Note from Nils: Swim lessons are hot. Just snooze. Or eat. Or eat and then snooze. Yes, that last option is always the way to go.
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