Clergy Spouse Confessions

A friend recently tagged me in a posted on facebook with a link to a blog in which a woman wrote about "What Not to Say (And What to Say) to Your Pastor's Wife." You can read her version here if you are interested. I wasn't that into it, among other things - why the pastor's wife? Can a pastor not have a husband? Geeze. Most of the things she mentioned have actually happened to me, but as usual, I like my version more. So, without further ado, I give you:

What Not to Say to Your Pastor's Significant Other 

{the cdunc rewrite}

What not to say: "Are Roman catholic priests allowed to get married?!"
Nope. Now, isn't this awkward? We also have two children together... bow chica wow wow. Oh, and we're not catholic. 

What not to say: "Want to come over and watch football?" or "What did you think of that game?"
Hmm... perhaps that one is specific to THIS clergy spouse.

What not to say: "Do you know where the church's  _____ is?"
Nope. I don't work here. Don't ask me. Unless of course you are looking for the church's can opener, in which case the answer is "currently there is one in my kitchen. I broke mine and Chris was ordered to bring one home so I could finish dinner." OR if you are looking for the church's stash of rum. In that case, the answer is still "no" - but ask me anyway because I sure as hell want to know where it is if that exists! 

What not to say: "I made a coat out of dalmatians" or "I have herpes" or "I eat live worms."
Keeping something "under the stole" doesn't work with me. I don't wear a stole, and I didn't take an oath to keep your secrets. If you're going to tell me a secret you should specify it as such.

What not to say: "You look a bit tired around the eyes."
Okay, this one actually happened to me. That has nothing to do with being the priest's wife. Just don't say that to anyone. Really. The person may as well have said, "I just loved you in the Addam's family movies! The way you put that light bulb in your mouth and it lit up! Fabulous!"

What not to say: {With an air of mixed horror and respect} "You are like no pastor's wife I've ever met!"
Just kidding! Definitely say that! That one actually happened to me too and it was awesome.

Moral of the story: say whatever the hell you want to the pastor's spouse. Say whatever you want, but just bear in mind, if you aren't polite and courteous, I don't have to be either (but despite my Syltherin tendencies I probably will be. I wasn't rude to the Uncle Fester commentator so... that's impressive). Also, I have no idea where to place commas in that last sentence. Tricky little buggers.