Words of Wisdom by Carolena
If your mother insists you wear shorts to the Y, but you think you look fabulous in just your Elmo shirt and diaper, stand up for fashion. If she goes so far as to try and physically force shorts onto your body, fight. Kick, scream, claw. Do what you have to do to get away pantless. If your mother tells you to go to Time Out and only come out when you are ready to wear shorts, sit in Time Out. Sit there for a long time. When Mommy comes periodically to ask you if you are ready for shorts, scream. Throw the shorts back in her face. After about 20 minutes Mommy will probably relax on the couch with chips, a drink, and a Sodoku book. Hmph. Stupid chips. Hmmm... chips. Chips? Politely ask if you may have some chips. Think about it a while and decide that chips are worth it... put on the shorts.
If you are lucky enough to receive a lime green t-shirt featuring a pirate meerkat with a mom tattoo, wear it everyday. Pirate meerkats are the height of fashion this season. Refer to your pirate shirt as "my yo-ho" until eventually you'll realize that takes to long to say, at which point you can just shorten it to "my ho." In fact, while your at it just refer to anything piratey as "ho." If you are in a store and see a Jolly Roger or something with a skull on it, yell out, "Mommy! See! Ho!!" as loudly as possible. Pirates are awesome. She won't want to miss seeing it.
Take a few bites of your dinner to humor your parents. Say, "yumm" and smile. Then, casually push the bowl to the middle of the table, shoot your mother your most adorable smile and ask, "happy?" ("happy" means cupcake). Mommy will probably say no and meanwhile Daddy will get up to cut some grapes for you. While Daddy is at the sink lean over conspiratorially to Mommy and whisper, "cookie cookie?"
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