You come home to a smell. A smell. A smell that can only mean there
is a dirty diaper shoved under the couch, raw meat forgotten in a grocery bag,
or possibly a dead racoon in your bed.
-
You find the source of the smell.
o
It’s alive.
§
Drink caffeine. Start the percolator and
look up the number of an exterminator. Grab the kids, grab your coffee,
and hide from the smelly thing living in your house.
o
It’s not alive.
§
Throw it away… preferably in the neighbor’s
trashcan when they aren’t looking. Then Febreeze the hell out of your couch and
reward yourself by lying down with a glass of wine.
-
You can’t find the source of the smell.
o
Ah! Where the hell is it coming from?! Empty all
of the trashcans and scoop the litterbox. Then,
give up, light some pumpkin spice candles, and open a bottle of wine.
Situation Two: Feminine Mystique
You suddenly realize it’s been an insanely unacceptable
number of days since you last bathed. You glance in the mirror and notice that your hair is now made up with what appears to be an accumulation of baby spit up, oatmeal, and... is that last night's dental floss??
-
It’s 10 am
o
Remove floss, put on a hat, choose coffee.
-
It’s 10 pm
o
Bubble bath with wine and a good book. STAT.
Situation Three: Who needs sleep?
The baby is supposed to be sleeping. She has a full tummy, a
clean diaper, and has been sung to and snuggled and rocked. All of these things
are true and she is still screaming. There appears to be nothing wrong and you
are at your wit's end.
- It’s bedtime
o Place the baby in the crib, tell her you love her, and leave. She won’t hurt
himself crying. Turn up some jazz music, go to the other side of your house,
and open a bottle of wine. Check on the baby in a little while.
- It’s naptime.
o Damn girl. That sucks. It's going to be a long day. Coffee. Choose strong coffee.
Situation Four: The Cement Mixer
You forgot the golden rule of kitchen cleanup and allowed
oatmeal to dry on your floor, chair, table, and ceiling.
-
It’s 10 am
o Start the coffee. And you might as well heat up some water while you're at it. You'll need some scalding hot water to tackle that shit.
-
It’s 10 pm
o Grab a bottle of wine and turn off the kitchen
light. Let tomorrow deal with tomorrow. That's Gospel. Err... kind of.
Situation Five: It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Supermom!
You had a perfect put-Mary-Poppins-to-shame kind of day. No tears were shed, no diapers were
blowouts, all food eaten was healthy. No one threw a tantrum, you went grocery
shopping and made dinner. Kids went
to bed easily and on time. There was not one mishap or Plan B needed.
- This really happened.
o
Congratulations! You are a world class bullshitter. You even convinced yourself! Reward yourself for being such a great liar by
opening a bottle of wine. Unless of course you’ve been drinking wine already,
which would explain your ability to believe this actually happened, in which case... perhaps brew some coffee.
-
This didn’t really happen.
o
Yep, that sounds about right. Find something single malt. Or rum. Even Mary Poppins got some rum punch at the end of the day. It was the rum that kept her from completely losing her shit.
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