Nuggets from Nils

Life sure is fun isn't it? If something strikes you as hilarious laugh out loud. Laugh, shake your head back and forth, and call out "so bunny! so bunny, Mommy, so bunny!"

Make ample use of the phrase "me too!" Refuse to be left out of anything. Ever. Another handy phrase is to call out "that me!" when watching tv or reading a book. Always cry out "that me!" when pointing to the funniest bunniest character of all.

There is nothing more exciting to look forward to about Disney World than riding that big train. Every once in a while cry out "ride train Disney World!" and cheer.

You know what matters very very much? What you're wearing. Refuse to wear pants as often as someone tries to make you wear them. Shirt options include and are limited to: fire truck, Kermit, "stripey stripe club" (a striped shirt), and shark. Pants when worn must be plaid or madras to resemble "choo choo tracks." Whenever possible wear Night-Night as a cape or over your entire head and make ghost noises.

Even Tough Girls Have Tough Days

I'm still trying to clean out the nightmare basket in the kitchen, and this morning I found this scratched in Sharpie across a torn piece of notebook paper (from December 2015):

C: "*sigh* Sometimes even tough girls can have tough days."

Me: "That is so true. Who says that?"

C: "Me."

Yes, even tough girls can sometimes have tough days. Yesterday was a tough afternoon for mainly reasons of my own bad mood funk. I got home from church and fed kids lunch and settled them into beds for naps/rests and then I looked around our house as if seeing for the first time all of the things staring back at me... laundry piled for washing, floor crying out for a mop, crap everywhere piling up ready to be sorted for Goodwill... and I promptly put on pajamas and sank onto the couch with some popcorn. It was just that kind of day.

Luckily, we had already accepted an invitation to a parishioner's farm for dinner. The fun of being out in the country and watching C&N pet the horses and startle the chickens and generally run amok got me right out of my funk. Turns out that was all I needed.

I awoke to a better day! Somehow I got a ton of stuff done today including but not limited to purchasing a new (to me) shirt from Goodwill for 5 bucks and coming home to google it and finding out it is on sale right now for $60. Score! And also... who spends $60 on a sleeveless shirt?!

I worked out, ran some errands, did a ton of laundry, got everything in order to register C for Kindergarten, and even managed all of it on one less cup of coffee than yesterday. I call that an all-round win. I've realized giving myself really small increments of time in which to do something is a sure way to get something done. So, for instance, today I put a bag of edamame in the micro, hit 5 minutes, and told myself I couldn't have any until I was showered and the phone call on the to-do list was made. Somehow I did it. Short hair for the win!

Sometimes even tough girls have tough days. Today the tough girl won out. Here's hoping tomorrow is just as great.

How to Clean Your House With Kids

I saw a website recently that had printable instructions on how to clean your house. Like, a step-by-step checklist to get your house clean.

The first step was to "pick up everything in every room."

Clearly this author doesn't have small children. I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose reading her instructions. If I cleaned my house by that list it would NEVER be clean. Ever. There is no point in picking up toys. Children see a clean room not as a clean room but as an opportunity. A clean room is like a blank canvas.

Here are my rules for cleaning a house if you have small children:

Step One: Invite someone over. This step is crucial as it will give you a deadline and purpose.
Step Two: Clean the master bedroom. This should take about 5 minutes regardless of how messy it is. Put away any laundry stacked up on the dresser. Shove all shoes back into the closet. Make the bed. Vacuum. Dust. Done. Close the master bedroom door and forbid anyone from entering on penalty of death. Or worse, penalty of lost gummies.
Step Three: Clean the dining room. Put away the stacks of laundry covering the table. Wipe it down. Floors will be done later.
Step Four: Kitchen. Put away everything strewn all over the counters. Anything that doesn't have a home should be shoved into a basket for later organization. You know, the basket full of papers from 2014. Wipe the cabinets. Wipe the counters. Leave floors for later.
Step Five: Living room. Get out the vacuum and pick up as you go. The vacuum is essential to this process as children believe it will eat toys and they will screech and scream and run in front of you "saving their toys" aka cleaning up the living room.
Step Six: Floors. Vacuum the entire house with the Step Five method. Mop tile floors.
Step Seven: Twenty minutes before guests arrive remember you have not yet cleaned the bathroom. Run through that sucker as quickly as possible. Don't try to clean the bathroom before then... the kids will just go in and brush their teeth (how does so much toothpaste get on the counter?!). Always leave the bathroom for last.

Badda Bing Badda Boom. Clean house in 7 simple steps.

Optional Step 8: think to oneself "hm. perhaps I should dust..." (said the woman with a major dust allergy) and wander around the house with a damp cloth during that weird interim when waiting for guests to arrive. Remember that it's been a while since cleaning the master bathroom and make a mental note to do that at some point in the future.

Yes, this is really how our house gets clean. Stay tuned for tips on how to declutter.

Okay, here it is: one step to declutter...
Don't let empty diaper boxes leave your house unless they are full of stuff to drop off at Goodwill. I never recycle those big boxes. I put them on my dresser and slowly (or not so slowly) fill them with stuff to get rid of. Voila! Constantly decluttering.

What the Doctor Ordered

"Well, Nils and I are going to go to the pretend Kroger's bathroom and get some medicine for you. Does that sound good, Cindy Lou Hoo? Does it?"

No.
No, medicine from the Kroger bathroom, pretend or otherwise, does not sound good to me.
It does not.

What did Cindy Loo Hoo ever do to the Grinch to deserve such treatment?

Notice that I've moved up in the world? Cindy Loo Hoo! Not a villian! Although, I'm only dubbed Cindy Loo Hoo if it's the end when the "Grinch is nice now."

Although, judging from the amount of lipstick smeared across the top of an old cup of coffee I found in my car this morning it seems as though I am like one crazy step away from buying medicine in a Kroger bathroom.

So, in that case, sure! Grab me a box of Imitrex and some Claritin while you're in there because that stuff is expensive.

Wove and Mawwiage

I think the key to a healthy marriage is forgiveness.

Clearly you should take my word for it, I've been married all of 8.5 years.

Seriously though, it's forgiveness.

Sometimes you have to forgive your husband for telling the pregnant woman that you said you already could tell she was pregnant. I thought I'd said that in private.

Sometimes you have to forgive your wife for getting rid of your expensive comfortable desk chair because "it was ugly." I was young and stupid.

Sometimes you have to forgive your husband for undercooking her steak. I need to drink more wine before I eat something that can still moo.

Sometimes you have to forgive your wife for calling you and saying, "dinner is a huge burned mess please come home with pizza." Heh, yeahh...

Sometimes you have to forgive your husband for repeatedly leaving his clothes on the bathtub ledge.
Sometimes you have to forgive your wife for repeatedly leaving her clothes anywhere she damn well pleases.

Sometimes you have to forgive your wife for blogging about you.

Wove and Mawwiage... forgiveness is the key.

Know When to Hold 'Em and Know When to Fold 'Em

I don't play poker (just because I don't know how, not for moral reasons you weirdos). I don't play poker, but I do know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

And by that I mean the one handmade item I've been working on for months, the one item I planned out last year and put into motion this fall, got folded last night. Well, not literally, as it is lying in a big heap on the countertop, but I finally set it aside as a loss.

Kelly was supposed to receive a beautiful handmade surprise from me this Christmas. I've been working on it and working on it and working on it.

But, mama said there'd be days like this, and it was time to set it aside. Evidently, announcing months ago "I'm not going to be too anal about this because I want it to look homey" resulted in a project that looks like Prince Gerhardt made it.

When I make something for someone I like to pour love and good vibrations into it. Though I love the idea of what I was making (which is why it's still a secret), the reality made me grumpy. So, there was that. Plus, last night when I imagined Kelly's friends asking her about the item and her saying that I made it, the humiliation that washed over me made me realize it's time to call it a loss.

So, December 8th, here we are. Nice to see you. Joann's, watch out here we come. New day. New plan. Luckily I have until Epiphany to get it together.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

This morning as Chris was leaving for work he stopped to say this:
"If your dermatologist turns out to be a handsome Scandinavian man again, please let him look at your body this time instead of just giggling and letting him only examine your face and arms."

My husband just told me to take my clothes off for gorgeous Scandinavians with names like Dr. Handsome.

Deal.

Here's hoping my new dermatologist has a sub in the office today!

*This is officially the least "becoming Leona" thing I've ever posted.

Coffee or Wine? A Mom’s Guide to Drinking on the Job

Situation One: That Smell 

You come home to a smell. A smell. A smell that can only mean there is a dirty diaper shoved under the couch, raw meat forgotten in a grocery bag, or possibly a dead racoon in your bed.

-          You find the source of the smell.

o   It’s alive.

§  Drink caffeine. Start the percolator and look up the number of an exterminator. Grab the kids, grab your coffee, and hide from the smelly thing living in your house.

o   It’s not alive.

§  Throw it away… preferably in the neighbor’s trashcan when they aren’t looking. Then Febreeze the hell out of your couch and reward yourself by lying down with a glass of wine.

-          You can’t find the source of the smell.

o   Ah! Where the hell is it coming from?! Empty all of the trashcans and scoop the litterbox. Then, give up, light some pumpkin spice candles, and open a bottle of wine.  

Situation Two: Feminine Mystique  

You suddenly realize it’s been an insanely unacceptable number of days since you last bathed. You glance in the mirror and notice that your hair is now made up with what appears to be an accumulation of baby spit up, oatmeal, and... is that last night's dental floss??

-          It’s 10 am

o   Remove floss, put on a hat, choose coffee.

-          It’s 10 pm

o   Bubble bath with wine and a good book. STAT.

Situation Three: Who needs sleep?

The baby is supposed to be sleeping. She has a full tummy, a clean diaper, and has been sung to and snuggled and rocked. All of these things are true and she is still screaming. There appears to be nothing wrong and you are at your wit's end.

-     It’s bedtime 

      o   Place the baby in the crib, tell her you love her, and leave. She won’t hurt himself crying. Turn up some jazz music, go to the other side of your house, and open a bottle of wine. Check on the baby in a little while.

-      It’s naptime.

o   Damn girl. That sucks. It's going to be a long day. Coffee. Choose strong coffee.

Situation Four: The Cement Mixer

You forgot the golden rule of kitchen cleanup and allowed oatmeal to dry on your floor, chair, table, and ceiling.

-          It’s 10 am

o   Start the coffee. And you might as well heat up some water while you're at it. You'll need some scalding hot water to tackle that shit.

-          It’s 10 pm

o   Grab a bottle of wine and turn off the kitchen light. Let tomorrow deal with tomorrow. That's Gospel. Err... kind of.

Situation Five: It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Supermom!

You had a perfect put-Mary-Poppins-to-shame kind of day. No tears were shed, no diapers were blowouts, all food eaten was healthy. No one threw a tantrum, you went grocery shopping and made dinner. Kids went to bed easily and on time. There was not one mishap or Plan B needed.

-          This really happened.

o   Congratulations! You are a world class bullshitter. You even convinced yourself! Reward yourself for being such a great liar by opening a bottle of wine. Unless of course you’ve been drinking wine already, which would explain your ability to believe this actually happened, in which case... perhaps brew some coffee.

               -           This didn’t really happen.

o   Yep, that sounds about right. Find something single malt. Or rum. Even Mary Poppins got some rum punch at the end of the day. It was the rum that kept her from completely losing her shit.

A Word to the Wise

If you see someone wearing bell bottoms get out a Prius it is probably safe to assume that their "This Land Is Our Land National Park Foundation" tee shirt is not advocating strict border control.

It is probably safe to assume that you are a moron and have misread more than just this person's shirt.

Lady in the Home Depot parking lot, I'm looking at you.

A word to the (un)wise should be sufficient.