Clergy Spouse Confessions

A friend recently tagged me in a posted on facebook with a link to a blog in which a woman wrote about "What Not to Say (And What to Say) to Your Pastor's Wife." You can read her version here if you are interested. I wasn't that into it, among other things - why the pastor's wife? Can a pastor not have a husband? Geeze. Most of the things she mentioned have actually happened to me, but as usual, I like my version more. So, without further ado, I give you:

What Not to Say to Your Pastor's Significant Other 

{the cdunc rewrite}

What not to say: "Are Roman catholic priests allowed to get married?!"
Nope. Now, isn't this awkward? We also have two children together... bow chica wow wow. Oh, and we're not catholic. 

What not to say: "Want to come over and watch football?" or "What did you think of that game?"
Hmm... perhaps that one is specific to THIS clergy spouse.

What not to say: "Do you know where the church's  _____ is?"
Nope. I don't work here. Don't ask me. Unless of course you are looking for the church's can opener, in which case the answer is "currently there is one in my kitchen. I broke mine and Chris was ordered to bring one home so I could finish dinner." OR if you are looking for the church's stash of rum. In that case, the answer is still "no" - but ask me anyway because I sure as hell want to know where it is if that exists! 

What not to say: "I made a coat out of dalmatians" or "I have herpes" or "I eat live worms."
Keeping something "under the stole" doesn't work with me. I don't wear a stole, and I didn't take an oath to keep your secrets. If you're going to tell me a secret you should specify it as such.

What not to say: "You look a bit tired around the eyes."
Okay, this one actually happened to me. That has nothing to do with being the priest's wife. Just don't say that to anyone. Really. The person may as well have said, "I just loved you in the Addam's family movies! The way you put that light bulb in your mouth and it lit up! Fabulous!"

What not to say: {With an air of mixed horror and respect} "You are like no pastor's wife I've ever met!"
Just kidding! Definitely say that! That one actually happened to me too and it was awesome.

Moral of the story: say whatever the hell you want to the pastor's spouse. Say whatever you want, but just bear in mind, if you aren't polite and courteous, I don't have to be either (but despite my Syltherin tendencies I probably will be. I wasn't rude to the Uncle Fester commentator so... that's impressive). Also, I have no idea where to place commas in that last sentence. Tricky little buggers.

Six Creatures

Carolena has a book by Emily Jenkins called, "Five Creatures" which describes the five creatures that live in a little girl's house. "Five creatures live in my house. Three humans, and two cats."

Six creatures live in my house. Four humans and two cats.
Two who love She-Ra. 
Six who have short hair.
Two who wear black and a collar. One whose black is cotton. One whose black is fur.
Three who love pizza. Two who love cat food. And one who only drinks milk.
Four who went to the zoo last week. Two who rode a carousel. One who rode in a papoose.
Six who sleep in beds. Five who are tired. One who contributes to the lack of sleep.
Six creatures live in our house. And I love them all.

The night before last I fed Nils, changed his diaper, and carefully went to put him back in the bassinet by my bed. To my surprise, when I looked, I discovered that he was already in it! Sound asleep!

And that was when I realized I was holding my pillow.

At least it wasn't a cat.

The Effect of Waffles on Ducks: An Experiment

Scientists: The Duncan Fam
Date of Experiment: Valentine's Day 2014
Question: Do ducks like waffles?

Hypothesis: The ducks we feed at the park will love waffles. They will flock to the pink heart shaped leftovers we bring them as a Valentine's treat.
Procedure: 
1. Go to the park.
2. Give Carolena waffles to throw to the ducks.
3. Push the ducks away (as per the usual) when they get overly excited and pushy for the food we brought.
4. Watch the ducks enjoy the waffles.

Conclusion: Ducks don't like waffles. At all.

Coming Attractions

From the studio that brought you 2011's hits

Baby Versus Alien

starring Carolena

Baby Versus Goat 

and it's shocking sequel 

 Goats Eats Baby

starring Carolena

comes a new star.

Duncan Baby Bassinet Theater 

Proudly Presents

Nils Morgan

starring in

Baby Goes to the Zoo

and 

Chipmunk has a Party

and it's sequel

Chipmunk Party II: Arrival of Godzilla

check local listings for a bassinet near me.

W.O.W.

Words of Wisdom
By Carolena

Always be sure to announce your arrival. Running over to a playground full of kids? Cheerfully calling out "Hey guys! Here I am! I'm here!" will alert these new friends that the party is ready to begin. Walking into your classroom for your Valentine's Day celebration? A loud exuberant, "Happy Vallllentinnnne's Day!! I brought gummies! Guys, I brought gummies!!!" will let your friends know that you are serious about holiday celebrations.

Work diligently on Valentine's for all of your friends and loved ones. Begin working a week in advance. Your mother can cut out paper hearts for you and then you can sit at the kitchen table and glue, glue, glue! Request "Annie music" to help inspire your creative genius. "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" played on repeat really gets the creative juices flowing. Your cards for your friends will turn out so fabulous, your mother will wish she'd written, "handmade by Carolena on them" lest people think she made them. She wouldn't want to steal your thunder.

Halloween cat costumes are the height of sophistication this season. Don your cat costume every chance you get. With a row of pumpkins, a long tail, and huge eyes and whiskers, the cat costume is a classic piece for any wardrobe.

Maximize Your Life Tour: Newborn Edition

In honor of the Jillian Michaels "Maximize Your Life" tour (which I'll be purchasing tickets to as soon as I'm not feeling too lazy to get up and get my wallet... clearly I really need to go to this motivational speaking engagement) - I present to you...

Maximize Your Life: Nils' Newborn Edition
by Nils

I gained three pounds in only two weeks! And you can too! Want to know how? To gain half of the amount you currently weigh (and do it in only two weeks or less!), simply eat a high calorie meal every three hours. If you mess up and accidentally go for a four hour stretch, be sure to throw in a couple of two hour ones just to make up for it. Your mother will really appreciate it when she sees how adorably chunky your face, arms, and thighs are getting. I went from 7 to 10 pounds in mere days and you can too!

Always soil a clean diaper. Don't be so crass as to poop in it while your mother is changing you. That would be undignified. Instead, wait until she has finished cleaning your body, carefully putting a clean diaper on you, closing your outfit, and swaddling you. Then, after all of that, enjoy the feel of pooping into a nice clean diaper. Ah, bliss. Mom won't mind doing the whole thing all over again. She loves you after all.

After eating be sure to give your mother a look that says, "Thank you mother. That was superb. Each time I eat I pretend that I am in a smart restaurant and you, my mother dear, are the lobster pond." She'll appreciate your fine tastes and sentiment. If only she would dress you in a tuxedo for your after six pm dinner reservations at the Grand Tetons. In the words of Jack Donaghy, "It's after 6. What am I, a farmer?"

If given the opportunity to snuggle, take it. Always take it.

Finally, always have an expression of deep concentration. You are a genius, look like one.