Maximize Your Life: Nils' Newborn Edition
by Nils
I gained three pounds in only two weeks! And you can too! Want to know how? To gain half of the amount you currently weigh (and do it in only two weeks or less!), simply eat a high calorie meal every three hours. If you mess up and accidentally go for a four hour stretch, be sure to throw in a couple of two hour ones just to make up for it. Your mother will really appreciate it when she sees how adorably chunky your face, arms, and thighs are getting. I went from 7 to 10 pounds in mere days and you can too!
Always soil a clean diaper. Don't be so crass as to poop in it while your mother is changing you. That would be undignified. Instead, wait until she has finished cleaning your body, carefully putting a clean diaper on you, closing your outfit, and swaddling you. Then, after all of that, enjoy the feel of pooping into a nice clean diaper. Ah, bliss. Mom won't mind doing the whole thing all over again. She loves you after all.
After eating be sure to give your mother a look that says, "Thank you mother. That was superb. Each time I eat I pretend that I am in a smart restaurant and you, my mother dear, are the lobster pond." She'll appreciate your fine tastes and sentiment. If only she would dress you in a tuxedo for your after six pm dinner reservations at the Grand Tetons. In the words of Jack Donaghy, "It's after 6. What am I, a farmer?"
If given the opportunity to snuggle, take it. Always take it.
That onesie is looking a little snug!
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