Headlines Don't Sell Papes. Newsies Sell Papes.

Reading: Theft by Finding by David Sedaris. Good Lord, I love David Sedaris. He seems like he would be friends with my sister and thus be forced to run into me at baptisms and bar mitzvahs. He would probably try to linger in the dining room doorway waiting for me to choose a dinner chair and then take the seat furthest from mine. He would avoid my eye and try to look very engaged in conversation with the person next to him. I would move though. You know I would. I would get up for more wine and then pull up a spare chair right next to David, squeezing out the bewildered guest who was innocently describing to him her latest oral surgery in detail. Later as they were driving home Hugh would laugh about David's inability to escape Kelly's weird younger sister.

Drinking: COFFEE. My caffeine intake is delightfully out of control. My migraines are in control (aaaaahhhhlelluia!) and thus the coffee floweth like... well... like coffee bean flavored hot water. We bought a new coffee pot that is programmed to automatically brew every morning. It is heavenly, like having a little robot in our kitchen that makes me coffee. In fact... it is LITERALLY a little robot in our kitchen that makes me coffee. I love it. I've gotten into that strange place in which I stay up too late and then sleep poorly and wake up and drink too much coffee. So then by the afternoon I drink more caffeine and thus the cycle continues. Not complaining though. Just how it is at the moment.

Eating: welllllll. This past spring was rather stressful to say the least and I may or may not have gained like 20 lbs. I finally pulled it together these past few weeks and am back on healthy foods. Unfortunately, I'm discovering that losing weight this time around isn't as simple as back when I was breast-feeding. Bummer. But, nonetheless, I'll just keep plugging along.

Carolena and Nils are really into audio books as of late. I mean really into them. Like, hour upon hour upon hour of listening to stories. We didn't leave the house for all of Monday and all of Tuesday because they were so engrossed. There aren't pictures or animation - just someone reading the books. I spent Monday crafting and cleaning and yesterday doing pretty much the same. By today I was about to lose my mind and forced them out to run errands with me. All they wanted to do was come home and eat lunch and listen to more of the book they were on. It's awesome. And weird. And awesome... but also weird.

Sunday

Don't ask me how much coffee I've had this morning and I won't ask you how much you've had.
Hint: it's at least less than Voltaire.

I'm right in the middle of GWTW. Which of course means don't talk to me or expect me to do anything other than read. Holy mackerel that book is fabulous.

I'm thinking about ordering my bookshelves by putting the books that I reread all of the time together, books that I love but don't tend to reread together, and books that I haven't read yet together. That could be interesting and save time when searching for the next book to read.

I finally got control of myself and have lost a few of the pounds I needed to shed before ww weigh in. I'm not back to goal yet but hopefully will be before the end of April. How does one get control if they are Casey you ask? I filled the fridge and fruit bowl with fruit that I really like. I wrote "not for Casey" across the top of the peanut butter jar (my weakness), and hard boiled 50,000 eggs. And filled the freezer with edamame. That's about it. Voila, lost weight. I'm eating more than fruit, edamame, and eggs, but those are just good go-to things for me when I'm feeling snacky. Oh, and greek yogurt. Now I just need to maintain this control.

Disney countdown is in full swing and I'm busy squirreling away entertainment for the two day drive. I'm really looking forward to the car trip. Our last car trip was a blast. We're not a techy family and didn't watch movies on the drive or bring ipads or whatnot. I'm stocking up on conversation ideas, books, and car friendly games. I plan on getting a good audio book or two from the library as well. I can't wait!!

Monday Monday

Yesterday Chris had the day off of work (Monday after holy week the office is closed) and as the kids were at school we had a date day. It was the best day ever. The weather was perfect and we had lunch on the patio at Dish Society, a local farm to table restaurant. It's a very hipster restaurant in La Centerra (I love La Centerra. It makes me feel like I live in Aspen) and thus, much to my dismay, didn't have Diet Coke. I am one of those people who falls in between Gen X and the Millennials. I am much more like Ms than the Xers (almost M to a T) but have some definite X traits like being annoyed that a hipster restaurant didn't carry my poison drink of choice. Stupid hipsters carrying Maine Root drinks instead of Coca Cola.

I actually love that restaurant. Farm to table? Awesome. Outdoor seating? Yes please. Normal sized salads instead of entire bag of lettuce in a bowl? Yes. I might leave and come home and eat a bag of chips (oops) but I love restaurants that don't overdo portions (unless its Mexican food and then bring on the chip baskets!).

We also volunteered at school for C's class' library time. It was so fast with two people and way more fun with Chris (as most things are). And we managed to get our announcement together for telling the kids where we are going on vacation this year and had time to veg on the couch. It was pretty much heaven. If we'd gone to Goodwill and bought a ton of books I would have exploded with happiness.

When the kids came home from school we had a big chest in the doorway with a note on it about how we'll be going on vacation soon. When they opened the trunk Mickey and Minnie balloons floated out and I dumped a bunch of small Disney balloons over their heads while we yelled, "We're going to Disney World!"

They were mostly excited about the balloons.

Yeah.

Now we can finally start obsessing about our upcoming trip and make a big countdown chart for the kids. I'd tell you when we're going but I don't want you to come rob my house, Kelly. Perhaps I should count the pineapple iced tea spoons before we leave.

The day ended with homemade pizza and mint juleps and dinner on our deck. Kids went to bed easily and we watched more It's Always Sunny. So, hmm, yesterday was pretty much an ideal day. What now Tuesday?!

In other news: I'm off the wagon on pretty much everything. I'm out of control on caffeine. I'm eating whatever the hell I want and thus over my ww goal (oh crap). I'm drinking mint juleps (duh, it's spring and we have a deck. Plus I'm rereading GWTW and that doesn't help). The only thing that I haven't gone off the rails on is working out. I've even been sleeping in til 6am. *SIGH* I wish I could get motivated to get a grip but I can't seem to find a "why" for any of those things. I know my neurologist would have something to say about my caffeine but I'm doing well with migraines soooo... bring on the coffee...? I know the mint juleps are adding to the ww weight problem but... it's spring. And they're good. I know I'm going to have to weigh in for April and I'll have to pay (I've been at goal for like 18 months. I really don't want to pay) but I just can't seem to get a grip. The problem is this: I've gained five pounds and I don't see why it matters. I don't want five to turn into ten and that's why I need to get a grip... but the five didn't really make a difference in my life other than having more fun. I know that five pounds less is about as small as I get. Five pounds heavier and my clothes still fit (not as well). Chris thinks I'm beautiful no matter what (God bless him). I'm still exercising. Losing the five gained will require the loss of my mint juleps and not eating enormous amounts of pizza. I need to find my motivation. Perhaps for now I will concentrate on losing weight so I don't have to pay for April. I'll let Future Casey deal with the caffeine. For now, another cup of coffee.

Run and Grab It

Once when I was working out and a cute British gal was instructing she talked about the British tradition of having the first words out of your mouth on the first of each month be "rabbit rabbit rabbit" and this ensures good luck in the month to come.

I thought she was saying "Run and grab it!" until I remembered the British thing of saying "rabbit." For those few moments of lying on my back bench pressing my bar and thinking "run and grab it!" I was totally in. I love that. Forget about "rabbit rabbit." Let's run and grab it.

January and February were disastrous when it comes to eating well. They were highly successful months in terms of drinking beer and eating queso and having a great time. Thankfully I kept working out so not all is lost.

March is going to be different though.

I'm committed to March as a back on track month, which for me means Simply Filling. Anyone who wants to have a great March can join me. No more 10,000 cookies before bed.

My plan is simple... to go back to the basics. I'm going to eat healthy food for every meal I am in charge of (which is most meals). I'm going to only have beer during Spring Break (beach!). Other than Spring Break - no alcohol this month. Rodeo night (tomorrow) I'll eat crapola. Other than that, I'll be on track. I've got to run and grab it.

That's the plan and I'm sticking to it. If you need the moral support of knowing someone else is committing to this month on track - I'm in whether you're coming with me or not.

It's March. Run and grab it.

Reading, Eating, and Rising (Too) Early

Reading: The Casual Vacancy. I am totally sucked in and spent all of yesterday ignoring my children and reading. I don't feel guilty about that at all... that's how you teach people to love reading isn't it?

Eating: Too much. Ugh. I dread weighing in at WW this week. *sigh* What happened???
Oh, I remember. I switched migraine meds and have been crazy eating every since. Crap.

Coffee: two cups and sometimes a Diet Coke with lunch. What happened???

Amazon recommended this for me this morning: Pass the Tooting Stinky Pig - Funny Hot Potato Farting Dice Game Toy.
I'm speechless. Amazon, do you not know me at all? That seems like something someone would buy for me all the while thinking "Casey will love this. This is so her sense of humor" and I would open it and smile and think, "wow. This person does not know me at all. My feelings are so hurt that they think I would like this" and our friendship would be forever changed in subtle ways because of it. Amazon, that friend is you.

Nils has been waking up before 5am. I blame Chris.
Okay, okay, put down your pitchforks. Here's why: because like a week or two ago Chris said with a sigh, "Neither of our kids have ever come and slept in our bed."
I was like, "umm... yes. We're lucky like that."
To which he responded with "I wish they would. Just wake up during the night and run and hop in our bed and snooze. That would be great."
Me: "No. It wouldn't. That's why parents complain about that."

Fast forward to this morning. 430am Nils in our room.
Me to Chris "I blame you for this."
Chris, "I just want him to do this and not wake us up."
Me, "aaaargh!"

I DID IT!

Last year I actually made a 2015 New Year Resolution.
And then even more surprisingly, as of this morning, it is now safe to officially say: I DID IT!
I went to 515am Bodypump and Bootcamp for the entirety of 2015.

I wish I'd thought to do a formal "before" photo back in January. It honestly just didn't occur to me. I knew that I would stick with it. I knew that it would be transformative. I just didn't think to take a before pic. Here's the best I've got:

December 2014

I was in pretty good shape this time last year. I was going to BodyPump twice a week and lifting a "normal" amount of weight for a female. At least I'm just guessing that was what an average female is lifting in Bodypump based on the fact that I was lifting around what every other female in my class was lifting.

Then for NY15 I resolved to not miss a work out. I was already going to 515am m/w BodyPump regularly and showing up for Friday bootcamp every once in a while so my resolution was to go to m/w BodyPump and Friday 515am Bootcamp. Every week. The only legitimate excuses were migraine or being out of town.

And then... I did it. I went. And I went. And I went. I missed a few summer bootcamps while I was on vacation (but sadly, not too many. note to self: go on vacation more). I missed a few classes along the way due to migraines (but thankfully only like one or two!). But overall... I didn't miss. I'm always there. I've practically worn a hole in the floor from the door to "my" spot. I've become a fixture in those classes. People I don't know know my name. The instructor sometimes talks to me during the class (like, in her microphone). When I do miss, people notice and asks where I was.

Weird, right?

But it's not weird anymore... it's now my normal. Which is weird.

So, one full year of working out. What's changed? Well, I'm a heck of a lot stronger. The resolution was simply to show up. But I found that I started focusing on getting stronger and competing against myself. I didn't want to just show up and then end 2015 where I started. I wanted to keep moving up in my weights. Bodypump is all about high reps for lean muscles rather than bulking up. So for instance we might do like 100 reps of different bicep curls. I think I've almost tripled my bicep weights from what I was lifting a year ago. Now when I look around I'm lifting what most of the men in the room are lifting. Meanwhile, bootcamp has driven me in such a way that my doctors are thrilled when they read my blood pressure numbers on their charts. People assume that I've lost weight. Interestingly, I haven't. I'm a Weight Watchers Lifetime Member so I know that I have lost exactly three pounds. I think I've dropped two pant sizes though. Can I just say "weird" again? Physically, I've just become a person who works out regularly, intensely, for an hour three times a week. And it feels great.

It's also been good for me emotionally. I like to say "it's cheaper than therapy!" even though it isn't since therapy would be free on our insurance. So... yeahhh... it is good for me though. There's something great about going to the gym three times a week where only two people know anything about me. I just sweat and work hard and make weird faces and talk to myself in the mirror (usually something to the tune of "oh just do it!" when I'm about to drop a heavy weight). It feels good to set small goals (like add a weight or run faster) and then accomplish them.

This morning right after my last workout of the year I asked Chris to take my picture (nothing like looking worse in your "after" photos, right?). I was pretty tempted to just upload a picture of Chris with his big bushy beard as my after photo. Ha! But I can't find one so I guess I'll just show you what I've been working on.

2015: the year of exercising.
Now I need something to keep me motivated for 2016. Uh oh... any ideas?

Why? the Workout Edition

Why? Sometimes I find that question terrifying. If I don't know the answer, it feels as if everything I hold to be true can crumble. But I'm finding as life goes on that more often than not the question "why?" is answered with "I don't know." And then the questioning leads to deepening.

A terrible time to ask oneself "why" is at 440am when the alarm is beeping. The appropriate response to such a thing is to hop out of bed, turn off the alarm, turn on the coffee pot, and get moving. Don't ask "why" before 5am. But later in the day... "why?"

Friends rarely (never?) ask me about what drives me. They know that I rise early. They know that I go to Weight Watchers. They know that I exercise three times a week. They don't ask about it. You know who does? People at the gym. And they ask often.

I find myself approached all of the time by people at the gym picking my brain for what motivates me. They want to know what time I wake up. What I eat for breakfast. Do I get up early everyday or just workout days? How do I move up in my weights? How do I stay committed? The questions are varied and constant.

I answer their questions as best I can. I think everyone ultimately has to find what works best for them. I've just found what works for me. For now. I'm happy to share that with people if it will help them to figure out what will work in their lives.

My alarm goes off at 440am on M/W/F and 5 T/TH/Sun at which point I never ask "why?" and if I accidentally do ask the dreaded question then my answer to myself is simple: "because this is who I am." Because this is who I am... that leads to hopping out of bed and walking to the kitchen. All I have to do is plug in the coffee pot because I got it ready to go the night before. I head to the bathroom and put on the workout clothes I left out for myself (or slept in depending on what I'm wearing that day). Then it's back to the kitchen for coffee and a greek yogurt. I leave the house at 5 with my water bottle in hand (that was also made the night before). Always. I do not miss a workout unless I am sick (no, really. migraine or SICK) or out of town. That's the rule. I stick to it.

Then, I make it count. Women are always interested in how I move up in my weights. I am happy to share that advice: I use the wisdom of a dear friend and Nils' godfather, "I just do it."

Oh, need a better explanation than that? Okay, well, I think back to my first weeks in the class. It was hard. Haaarrrddd. Is the class still hard? No? Then put on an extra "baby" weight. At the end of an exercise are your arms shaking and you feel like you are going to drop the weight? No? You could add a baby next time. You don't have to do that for every muscle group. Just pick one or two muscle groups and move up. Women can lift much more than we think. The other thing is this: I didn't move to the front of the class because I got stronger. I moved to the front of the class in order to get stronger. If you stand in the back you can't see yourself in the mirror. You can't watch your form. I stand in the front so that I don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing - I can just hang out and watch that girl in the mirror lift weights. That's a tricky piece of advice though... because spots in the front are limited. Don't take mine. It's funny that people always ask me how to move up in their weights when I'm always trying to move up in mine. I guess weight lifting is the same as anything - there will always be someone richer/poorer, taller/shorter, stronger/weaker than me.

But... why? Yes, why indeed? Last year when my mom and I went to see Jillian Michaels she talked about how everyone has to find their own "why" - their reason for wanting to be healthy, their ultimate motivating factor(s) for eating well, exercising, and taking care of their general well-being. The thing is, you can share yours with people, I can share mine with you (and I will), but you have to find your own. You can borrow other people's for a little while, but I can assure you from experience, when you are covered in sweat and trying to chest press 40lbs for the 100th time in a row (BodyPump!)... someone else's "why" just ain't gonna cut it.

My "whys" - in no particular order other than coming to mind right now:

1. When I was in college I went to class. Pretty much always. For two reasons: 1. If I made a poor grade in a class and I didn't go then I had nothing to blame but that. I didn't go. Done. The same holds true for me with my body. I have to do my best to take care of it. If I am eating well and exercising, then at least the things within my control are at their best. 2. I looked at the people I knew who were skipping class and didn't want to be "one of them." I am a person who goes to class. I feel the same way about exercising and eating well. That is who I am. If a line is drawn on the sand, I am on this side of it.

2. I look at my husband and my children. I love them with all of my heart. And I know that they love me. I have to take care of myself.

3.  Thanksgiving. I am truly thankful for what God has given me and thus I take care of it.

Those are my "why." Those are the things that drive me. Those are my driving factors that don't change. There are other "whys" that come and go. Sometimes my bathing suit matters to me, and honestly sometimes it doesn't. I know bathing suit is a legitimate "why" for many - if that's your "why" - awesome! Go for it! Sometimes an upcoming event matters and can motivate me. I have a wedding later this year and I'm sure that will be a number 4 on the list in a few months. But those top three are always there. "Whys" can be as deep or as shallow as they need to be. It doesn't matter what they are. It's just what moves you.

Jillian Michaels told us hers. Jillian Michaels, Jillian Michaels doesn't like to exercise. Nope, truly. She said she is a "clock-watcher" counting down the minutes until a workout is finished. Want to know why she works out? Because she wants to wear bikinis. Believe her? I have a feeling that's just one of many.

It doesn't matter what your why is as long as you find it and it moves you, even if it changes.

My grandfather Ed the Red inspires me. He ate well and exercised and went to the doctor. He was the picture of good health, and here's what I learned from him. The picture of good heath doesn't mean you don't get sick. Really sick. It doesn't mean you don't have health scares or surgeries. It means when you do, they're more likely to be caught early and the chances are higher that your body is healthy and strong and you can bounce back. It means you feel pretty darn good in your day-to-day life because you are taking care of yourself. It means you spend your eighties traveling and painting and cooking and doing things you love. It means you live to an old age and your eldest grandkids, who knew you well because of said old age, raid your fridge after your funeral and drink all of your beer. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. Except, you're in luck future grandchildren: I drink bourbon. You're welcome.

It's the New Jan Brady

I've been asked to present my "success story" at Weight Watchers. Our leader sent me home with a few questions to ponder before addressing the group, and I've enjoyed thinking over them so I figured I would answer them here on my blog. My blog is mainly just a creative outlet for me so this is a little different (and honestly makes me somewhat uncomfortable), but I post this to keep myself motivated and hopefully to motivate others as well. So, without further ado, it's the new Jan Brady:*

How did you feel before you joined Weight Watchers?
In January I gave birth to my second child. As you can see in this never before seen on the internet photo, I had a lot of weight to lose:

I left the hospital with a body conveniently large enough to rest my newborn on while he snoozed. I actually felt pretty good though. I've never been one to suffer from low self esteem (thanks to my fabulous parents) so in typical sunflower-hat-wearing Casey fashion, I figured I looked pretty good for having just had my second child. I was happy to not be pregnant anymore, had a beautiful newborn to stare at, and though I felt uncomfortable from the weight, I reminded myself that I had just had a baby after all. A few weeks went by and as the pounds came off I felt better and better. Then, I hit a plateau. I'd lost about 20 lbs and felt great about that, but I felt stuck and uncomfortable in my own skin. I knew the summer months (heat!) were coming and soon I'd be squeezing myself into too-small shorts and feeling awkward in a bathing suit. I knew all of the extra weight would make a Texas summer miserable, the heat unbearable. One night I plugged my weight into a BMI calculator and I came up as overweight. The next morning I was sitting in what would become my new home for Tuesday mornings. I was in a Weight Watchers meeting for the first time. 

What helped you believe that you could change successfully?

Early on when I began losing weight someone made a snide comment in front of me (as part of our conversation, knowing that I could hear). We were talking about weight loss and this person said to the person next to her, (with a wave of her hand as if dismissing me) "well, it's easy for her because..." It was a moment in my life in which I actually got to be in someone else's shoes. It's easy for me?! Wow. I am usually the one saying/thinking that about other people. "That mom lost all of the weight because it's easy for her. She doesn't like dessert." "That mom lost all of the weight because it's easy for her. She has time to work out." "That mom lost all the weight because it was easy for her. She's always been small." That mom..." After my first pregnancy I was full of "reasons" that other people were losing weight while I wasn't and I never finished burning off the last of the weight.

Hearing someone be dismissive of the fact that it might actually be hard for me was eye opening. It made me realize that whether or not losing weight was hard or easy for me has no bearing on anyone else. I realized that even if losing weight was easy for me, that didn't change that woman's reality. In that moment I understood that whether or not it's hard or easy for other people to lose weight doesn't change my reality. This woman's snide comment was about her, not me. It was her excuse for why she wasn't losing weight. Though rude, it actually had nothing to do with me. Weight loss and maintenance is hard for most people. It is. Accepting this reality made me able to believe that I could change. This woman's rude comment was freeing for me. It freed me from kidding myself with the hope that it would somehow be magically easy. It freed me to accept that it is hard for other people too. This new freedom allowed me to believe that I could change. Realizing that it wasn't going to be easy and recognizing that other people's ability to lose weight has nothing to do with me, that was freeing.

Now that I have hit my goal I am aware of how often people make that comment to me. It takes different forms but it's always the same message, "It was easy for you because..." This is irritating in that it belittles the hard work that I have put in (and continue to put in). It assumes that I have not chosen to pass up many a margarita at the beach this summer. It ignores the number of times I have awakened before 5am in order to squeeze in a workout. It underestimates the number of times I've stood in my pantry shoveling peanut butter or chocolate chips (or both) into my mouth all the while knowing I will beat myself up about it later. I remind myself that other people's ideas about why it's "easy" for me are just that: their ideas, their excuses, their problem. Not mine.

How did you feel when you reached your goal?

Honestly, it wasn't the balloons falling from the ceiling, confetti flying feeling that I thought it would be. I felt a little unsure. Was this really goal? Should I lose another pound? Or two? Or three? I spend so much of my life trying to be a better person (in a healthy way). It seemed uncomfortable to announce to the world, "this weight is the one I'm happy with!" For me, reaching goal was a time of reassessment. Yes, it was exciting, but it was confusing and scary too.

The day I received lifetime membership was different. The six weeks of maintenance were really good for wiping away those bits of worry. Yes, I do feel good at this weight. Yes, I feel confident and comfortable in my own skin. Getting my lifetime membership recognition was much more exciting than goal for me. I feel like I've accomplished something awesome. I feel like I've won. 

How do you ensure that your relationship with food is changing for good?
For me, this means following the Simply Filling plan. With Simply Filling I've been able to keep a lot of the meals I fed my family in the past with some tweaking to the recipes. I make red beans and rice twice a month. I swapped out the white rice for brown, reduced the oil I use, and just ditched the cornbread all together. Hamburgers, taco salad, and stir fry are all still in the normal menu rotation - just with leaner meat. I switched to skim milk, no fat cheese, and keep a fruit bowl stocked at all time. I also go to meetings every week. Every. Single. Week.

As I mentioned, losing 45 pounds (25 with ww) hasn't been easy. But, it has been as easy as possible. Weight Watchers gave me exact instructions on how to lose weight, and I learned early on that if I follow the "rules" then I win. If I cheat on my eating, then I don't lose weight. It's that simple.

What are the things holding you back? You look at me and think (or say), "It's easy for you because..." because what? Because I'm young? Yeah, my mom is twice my age and just lost a ton on of weight on ww too. Next!
Because what? Because I gained the weight from pregnancy? Yeahh... and McDonald's and Taco Bell and Blue Bell and the list goes on. Newsflash: the fat didn't know how it got on my body. It was there. I had to burn it off. End of story. Next!
Because what? Because I have time to work out? See the above comment about waking up at 430am. Next!
Because what? Because I don't freak out and shovel food into my face like I've been lost at sea for a year? Uh... you're right... no... I don't do that... ahem... awkward guilty silence... Next!

Because what? What are the things holding you back? Don't ignore those things. Think about them. Then kick them in the face. In the words of my favorite three year old,

"YOU CAN DO IT! I KNOW YOU CAN!"

*How many of you are typing "it's the new Jan Brady" into Google right now?